sunday driving revelations

so i realized, on my way home from work today, that i keep getting worked up all over nothing lately. i was asked to be part of a business venture, i said "sure i'll help" but when i'm basically not being utilized at all, i got angry and frustrated. then i realized: i have no money in this. its not my "baby". what do i care? i have more free time this way. if and when they feel like they need me, they will realize i'm not there, or they will have to convince me another way that i will actually be utilized this time. *shrugs* its no longer my problem! :D

i also came to the conclusion that i do need to fix some things about myself. i need to get off my ass and put my health first, since i am a sicko. i can't avoid exercise like the plague i feel like it is sometimes. i also need to stop avoiding good foods for the preference of crap from a drive through. i need to put a higher value on myself and my time. i'm tired of people thinking they can walk all over me.

sick of "love"

so i'm laying in bed tonight, and realize that every damn channel i change to (short of animal planet and the weather channel) has something to do with a relationship or love. i'm really sick of this. i'm single, and i'm fine with that. granted, some times i get lonely. i won't deny that i wouldn't mind being in a good, healthy relationship. but fuck man: i'm sick of the overemphasis that our culture has placed on love. a girl can't be single. she has to be married, or engaged, or have a significant other. fuck. i'm just sick of it. i can't go anywhere without the idea of marriage shoved in my face. in fact, i heard about something that happened today with my grandmother. she ran into a childhood friend of mine's mother. apparently my old friend is engaged and happy as can be. this woman (her mother) has not seen me since i was about 6, so almost 20 years ago. the ONLY question she asked about me is if i was married or not. this really just makes me angry. she didn't ask if i was happy, or healthy. how i was doing or anything of the sort. just "has she gotten married yet?". i mean, really people. my soapbox is out now.

i don't have to be married to be happy. yes, eventually i would like to be married. but after 2 failed engagements, i'm a bit leery of the whole idea. i don't want to be like some of my friends and divorced before 30. i want the fairy tale marriage, where we don't get divorced. call me traditional in that (since you really can't in most other ways), but i want to get married once, and only once. maybe i'm crazy. but my parents have had their ups and downs, but they will have been married 35 years this year. i want that. so i'm not just going to jump into marriage, and thankfully i havent, otherwise those failed engagements might have meant i'd be working on my 3rd husband at 25. *shakes head* i just don't know how to deal with all the cultural emphasis on marriage and love and relationships. yes, i want to be with someone, and in love. do i think it is going to happen tomorrow? no. but that is just realistic, since i am not even currently dating anyone.

i just dont know what to do anymore. anyone got any ideas?