sunday driving revelations

so i realized, on my way home from work today, that i keep getting worked up all over nothing lately. i was asked to be part of a business venture, i said "sure i'll help" but when i'm basically not being utilized at all, i got angry and frustrated. then i realized: i have no money in this. its not my "baby". what do i care? i have more free time this way. if and when they feel like they need me, they will realize i'm not there, or they will have to convince me another way that i will actually be utilized this time. *shrugs* its no longer my problem! :D

i also came to the conclusion that i do need to fix some things about myself. i need to get off my ass and put my health first, since i am a sicko. i can't avoid exercise like the plague i feel like it is sometimes. i also need to stop avoiding good foods for the preference of crap from a drive through. i need to put a higher value on myself and my time. i'm tired of people thinking they can walk all over me.

sick of "love"

so i'm laying in bed tonight, and realize that every damn channel i change to (short of animal planet and the weather channel) has something to do with a relationship or love. i'm really sick of this. i'm single, and i'm fine with that. granted, some times i get lonely. i won't deny that i wouldn't mind being in a good, healthy relationship. but fuck man: i'm sick of the overemphasis that our culture has placed on love. a girl can't be single. she has to be married, or engaged, or have a significant other. fuck. i'm just sick of it. i can't go anywhere without the idea of marriage shoved in my face. in fact, i heard about something that happened today with my grandmother. she ran into a childhood friend of mine's mother. apparently my old friend is engaged and happy as can be. this woman (her mother) has not seen me since i was about 6, so almost 20 years ago. the ONLY question she asked about me is if i was married or not. this really just makes me angry. she didn't ask if i was happy, or healthy. how i was doing or anything of the sort. just "has she gotten married yet?". i mean, really people. my soapbox is out now.

i don't have to be married to be happy. yes, eventually i would like to be married. but after 2 failed engagements, i'm a bit leery of the whole idea. i don't want to be like some of my friends and divorced before 30. i want the fairy tale marriage, where we don't get divorced. call me traditional in that (since you really can't in most other ways), but i want to get married once, and only once. maybe i'm crazy. but my parents have had their ups and downs, but they will have been married 35 years this year. i want that. so i'm not just going to jump into marriage, and thankfully i havent, otherwise those failed engagements might have meant i'd be working on my 3rd husband at 25. *shakes head* i just don't know how to deal with all the cultural emphasis on marriage and love and relationships. yes, i want to be with someone, and in love. do i think it is going to happen tomorrow? no. but that is just realistic, since i am not even currently dating anyone.

i just dont know what to do anymore. anyone got any ideas?

sunday morning

i'm not sure how i feel yet this morning. i am awake, after a VERY long day of being a geek yesterday, which unfortunately has carried over to this morning. i am still trying to reformat my other computer... which is proving more annoying than it should ever be. (why is linux acting like windows all of a sudden?!?!?)

i think this is the first easter in quite a while that i have had no plans, not had to work, and then been away from my family on top of that. and i sadly dont think i care. i'm not much on religious holidays, so easter to me was always an excuse to get chocolate from See's and go into a sugar coma. *shrugs* maybe that is bad... but we all know how i feel about religion!

i guess all in all this is shaping up to be another crazy sunday full of stuff to get done before the week ahead starts...

new day ahead!

so i actually woke up this morning not feeling 1000% dizzy! *woot* anyway this is making me want to get a million things done that i haven't been able to do since i got back from seattle. i have some bookshelves to purchase and put together, and a cube-thingy to replace in the bedroom (shelves/dresser thing). also some cleaning and...oh yeah! moving my tower to the tv so that i have a HUGE monitor for my computer! :d that will make stuff so much more interesting, oh and hey... i might actually use it sometimes! heh!! wish me luck!

better now

i seem to be over my super-depressive mood that i was in last time i posted. i had a good venting session today and made up my mind about a lot of things. i am going to move. not sure where yet, but i'm getting out of this pit that i am stuck in, and the west coast is the place for me. i still am not 100% sure when i am leaving either... that all depends on the financial situation facing me in the next few weeks/months...

i dont care about boys anymore. i'm going to be 26 in a few months, and have had a lot of setbacks in the last few years. yeah i'm a little behind on where i thought i would be, but i know a few good guys who would give a lot to date me in san diego...so i dont need to feel desperate any more. i'm not even sure desperate is the right word, just the only one that comes to mind. but either way, i'm not in the mood to date in this state anymore... too many immature rednecks for my taste. *shrugs* anyway...

i'm feeling a little more optimistic about my life tonight, even though i'm sick as hell. but i am determined to make the decisions i need to make, and do what i need to do to fulfil these goals as of right now. wish me luck!

what is going on with me?

so i knew where i was going in life. i had a path. i was going to be a teacher, i was going to be an army wife. i was going to get married, have kids, and have the house with the white picket fence and animals too. then i woke up one day, and the original ideas were gone. no longer was there a fiancée, the army, or the idea of kids and suburbia with that person.

ok...i got up, and moved on.

then i knew where i was going again. this time it was going to be an accountant. had the house, had the dog, had the guy who could have been "the one", i wake up in the hospital after being told i am dying. got cheated on, gave up on accounting, said goodbye to the boyfriend, and hello to crohn's disease.

ok... so i got up... and its now a year later

when to tech school, got certified. still have the dog, got the apartment and a car. have a decent job. lonely as hell. i dont know what i want to do any more. i was laying her listening to the stormy weather, and was just remembering listening to it when i was younger. when i had the "perfect" ideas of what my life was going to be like. then i realized that, i have no idea what anything is anymore. i barely know who i am. i used to be so self confident, and i had it all figured out. now, i dont know what i'm doing from one day to the next, and i don't have anyone in mind do do anything with. max loves me, but he's a dog. i need more than him.

unfortunately now the questions i face are something like: where do i want to live? where do i want to work? what do i see myself doing in 5 years? hell, in 5 months! when am i going to find a good guy? do i want kids ever? do i want to continue going to college? do i even want to care anymore?

what do you do when you are at the precipice and have no idea which direction to take? i used to know these things.... 8 years ago i stood at the edge of the cliff, but knew i was going to jump. now, at coming closer to 26, i am afraid to jump, because i have no idea even where the cliff edge is. its seems like i am standing in the dark in the rain, and can't get out because i can't see where to go.

i am torn in many directions, and i feel like i am being pulled every which way by all the people i know and care about. my family wants me in seattle, my parents want me in fargo, my friends want me in san diego and little rock. where do i want to be? i can answer that, but it makes no sense: i want to be all those places. and it becomes harder when i go see these people, and all i hear is: when are you moving out here? i know they just love me, and want me to be close, but i just can't be pulled much further. there are days it is tempting to just find some place random on a map, and move there... where i have no family and friends, where there is no one pulling at me. i feel like the toy stretch armstrong, but even those limbs tore after too much strain.

i am really at a point where i just don't know what to do anymore about anything. it all seems like one big, confusing, frustrating, stressful mess. and there is the idea in my brain to just stop caring about it all, hide under the bed, and just avoid life. i know that isn't healthy, so i still get up every morning. i still go to work. i still talk to my friends and family, even though they dont seem to get it. (but that isn't their fault... i wouldn't want to be in my head either.)

i do know what i want. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i would like to find a great guy to fall in love with, and not be hurt by this time. eventually i would like to get married. i would like to have a house, and a car, and still have my dog. maybe kids... i want a job that i enjoy. i want to be financially stable. but the problem is getting there. i just dont know how to get there...

mi vida loca

so i went to san diego, and came back... was back barely a few weeks before i get the call that my grandfather was ill. he passed away a week ago wednesday, so i obviously went to seattle to see him and be with my family. i got back wednesday night, and was trying to unpack and get my life back to normal when i have to go to the ER! *sigh* apparently if you've had an inner ear infection before, and you fly alot, you develop something called meniere's disease. so i was suffering from horrible vertigo and nausea. they drugged me up good, and i slept all last night, and most of the day today. i'm still having a few moments of dizziness occasionally, but i seem to be doing better.

i got back to a clean house, which was very sweet of my friends (they did it so i wouldn't have to after my grandfather's death), but that also meant an empty fridge :P so i adventured out to grocery shop, and am very proud of my purchases (i got healthy food!). and since i shop at walmart, i found some awesome other stuff that made my night. :3 i am going to take the rest of my medication, and go zone out so i wont be dizzy for work tomorrow.