what is going on with me?

so i knew where i was going in life. i had a path. i was going to be a teacher, i was going to be an army wife. i was going to get married, have kids, and have the house with the white picket fence and animals too. then i woke up one day, and the original ideas were gone. no longer was there a fiancée, the army, or the idea of kids and suburbia with that person.

ok...i got up, and moved on.

then i knew where i was going again. this time it was going to be an accountant. had the house, had the dog, had the guy who could have been "the one", i wake up in the hospital after being told i am dying. got cheated on, gave up on accounting, said goodbye to the boyfriend, and hello to crohn's disease.

ok... so i got up... and its now a year later

when to tech school, got certified. still have the dog, got the apartment and a car. have a decent job. lonely as hell. i dont know what i want to do any more. i was laying her listening to the stormy weather, and was just remembering listening to it when i was younger. when i had the "perfect" ideas of what my life was going to be like. then i realized that, i have no idea what anything is anymore. i barely know who i am. i used to be so self confident, and i had it all figured out. now, i dont know what i'm doing from one day to the next, and i don't have anyone in mind do do anything with. max loves me, but he's a dog. i need more than him.

unfortunately now the questions i face are something like: where do i want to live? where do i want to work? what do i see myself doing in 5 years? hell, in 5 months! when am i going to find a good guy? do i want kids ever? do i want to continue going to college? do i even want to care anymore?

what do you do when you are at the precipice and have no idea which direction to take? i used to know these things.... 8 years ago i stood at the edge of the cliff, but knew i was going to jump. now, at coming closer to 26, i am afraid to jump, because i have no idea even where the cliff edge is. its seems like i am standing in the dark in the rain, and can't get out because i can't see where to go.

i am torn in many directions, and i feel like i am being pulled every which way by all the people i know and care about. my family wants me in seattle, my parents want me in fargo, my friends want me in san diego and little rock. where do i want to be? i can answer that, but it makes no sense: i want to be all those places. and it becomes harder when i go see these people, and all i hear is: when are you moving out here? i know they just love me, and want me to be close, but i just can't be pulled much further. there are days it is tempting to just find some place random on a map, and move there... where i have no family and friends, where there is no one pulling at me. i feel like the toy stretch armstrong, but even those limbs tore after too much strain.

i am really at a point where i just don't know what to do anymore about anything. it all seems like one big, confusing, frustrating, stressful mess. and there is the idea in my brain to just stop caring about it all, hide under the bed, and just avoid life. i know that isn't healthy, so i still get up every morning. i still go to work. i still talk to my friends and family, even though they dont seem to get it. (but that isn't their fault... i wouldn't want to be in my head either.)

i do know what i want. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i would like to find a great guy to fall in love with, and not be hurt by this time. eventually i would like to get married. i would like to have a house, and a car, and still have my dog. maybe kids... i want a job that i enjoy. i want to be financially stable. but the problem is getting there. i just dont know how to get there...