sunday morning

i'm not sure how i feel yet this morning. i am awake, after a VERY long day of being a geek yesterday, which unfortunately has carried over to this morning. i am still trying to reformat my other computer... which is proving more annoying than it should ever be. (why is linux acting like windows all of a sudden?!?!?)

i think this is the first easter in quite a while that i have had no plans, not had to work, and then been away from my family on top of that. and i sadly dont think i care. i'm not much on religious holidays, so easter to me was always an excuse to get chocolate from See's and go into a sugar coma. *shrugs* maybe that is bad... but we all know how i feel about religion!

i guess all in all this is shaping up to be another crazy sunday full of stuff to get done before the week ahead starts...

new day ahead!

so i actually woke up this morning not feeling 1000% dizzy! *woot* anyway this is making me want to get a million things done that i haven't been able to do since i got back from seattle. i have some bookshelves to purchase and put together, and a cube-thingy to replace in the bedroom (shelves/dresser thing). also some cleaning and...oh yeah! moving my tower to the tv so that i have a HUGE monitor for my computer! :d that will make stuff so much more interesting, oh and hey... i might actually use it sometimes! heh!! wish me luck!

better now

i seem to be over my super-depressive mood that i was in last time i posted. i had a good venting session today and made up my mind about a lot of things. i am going to move. not sure where yet, but i'm getting out of this pit that i am stuck in, and the west coast is the place for me. i still am not 100% sure when i am leaving either... that all depends on the financial situation facing me in the next few weeks/months...

i dont care about boys anymore. i'm going to be 26 in a few months, and have had a lot of setbacks in the last few years. yeah i'm a little behind on where i thought i would be, but i know a few good guys who would give a lot to date me in san diego...so i dont need to feel desperate any more. i'm not even sure desperate is the right word, just the only one that comes to mind. but either way, i'm not in the mood to date in this state anymore... too many immature rednecks for my taste. *shrugs* anyway...

i'm feeling a little more optimistic about my life tonight, even though i'm sick as hell. but i am determined to make the decisions i need to make, and do what i need to do to fulfil these goals as of right now. wish me luck!

what is going on with me?

so i knew where i was going in life. i had a path. i was going to be a teacher, i was going to be an army wife. i was going to get married, have kids, and have the house with the white picket fence and animals too. then i woke up one day, and the original ideas were gone. no longer was there a fiancée, the army, or the idea of kids and suburbia with that person.

ok...i got up, and moved on.

then i knew where i was going again. this time it was going to be an accountant. had the house, had the dog, had the guy who could have been "the one", i wake up in the hospital after being told i am dying. got cheated on, gave up on accounting, said goodbye to the boyfriend, and hello to crohn's disease.

ok... so i got up... and its now a year later

when to tech school, got certified. still have the dog, got the apartment and a car. have a decent job. lonely as hell. i dont know what i want to do any more. i was laying her listening to the stormy weather, and was just remembering listening to it when i was younger. when i had the "perfect" ideas of what my life was going to be like. then i realized that, i have no idea what anything is anymore. i barely know who i am. i used to be so self confident, and i had it all figured out. now, i dont know what i'm doing from one day to the next, and i don't have anyone in mind do do anything with. max loves me, but he's a dog. i need more than him.

unfortunately now the questions i face are something like: where do i want to live? where do i want to work? what do i see myself doing in 5 years? hell, in 5 months! when am i going to find a good guy? do i want kids ever? do i want to continue going to college? do i even want to care anymore?

what do you do when you are at the precipice and have no idea which direction to take? i used to know these things.... 8 years ago i stood at the edge of the cliff, but knew i was going to jump. now, at coming closer to 26, i am afraid to jump, because i have no idea even where the cliff edge is. its seems like i am standing in the dark in the rain, and can't get out because i can't see where to go.

i am torn in many directions, and i feel like i am being pulled every which way by all the people i know and care about. my family wants me in seattle, my parents want me in fargo, my friends want me in san diego and little rock. where do i want to be? i can answer that, but it makes no sense: i want to be all those places. and it becomes harder when i go see these people, and all i hear is: when are you moving out here? i know they just love me, and want me to be close, but i just can't be pulled much further. there are days it is tempting to just find some place random on a map, and move there... where i have no family and friends, where there is no one pulling at me. i feel like the toy stretch armstrong, but even those limbs tore after too much strain.

i am really at a point where i just don't know what to do anymore about anything. it all seems like one big, confusing, frustrating, stressful mess. and there is the idea in my brain to just stop caring about it all, hide under the bed, and just avoid life. i know that isn't healthy, so i still get up every morning. i still go to work. i still talk to my friends and family, even though they dont seem to get it. (but that isn't their fault... i wouldn't want to be in my head either.)

i do know what i want. i want to be happy. i want to be healthy. i would like to find a great guy to fall in love with, and not be hurt by this time. eventually i would like to get married. i would like to have a house, and a car, and still have my dog. maybe kids... i want a job that i enjoy. i want to be financially stable. but the problem is getting there. i just dont know how to get there...

mi vida loca

so i went to san diego, and came back... was back barely a few weeks before i get the call that my grandfather was ill. he passed away a week ago wednesday, so i obviously went to seattle to see him and be with my family. i got back wednesday night, and was trying to unpack and get my life back to normal when i have to go to the ER! *sigh* apparently if you've had an inner ear infection before, and you fly alot, you develop something called meniere's disease. so i was suffering from horrible vertigo and nausea. they drugged me up good, and i slept all last night, and most of the day today. i'm still having a few moments of dizziness occasionally, but i seem to be doing better.

i got back to a clean house, which was very sweet of my friends (they did it so i wouldn't have to after my grandfather's death), but that also meant an empty fridge :P so i adventured out to grocery shop, and am very proud of my purchases (i got healthy food!). and since i shop at walmart, i found some awesome other stuff that made my night. :3 i am going to take the rest of my medication, and go zone out so i wont be dizzy for work tomorrow.

Mother Nature is Bipolar in the South

So not that I am complaining, because believe me, I love both extremes... but yesterday it was 67degrees... today its barely hovering above freezing, and it SNOWED! Now dont get me wrong, because I turn into a two-year old when it comes to true snow ("SNOW! SNOW!!!!"), I love the snow. We have a bond. It does wonderful things. But tomorrow it is being predicted that it will be in the high 60's again. *sigh* Mother nature needs a good dose of Seroquel to keep her moods stabalized around here... because though I do love the warm weather, overnight the cold mixing in with the warm coming through will probably cause some tornados... March is supposed to be rainy and cool... like 50s...not snow! :D (But I did spend a while outside this morning playing with Max in the snow... and I have been lazy all day wishing I could be out in it before it starts melting...)