missing and hoping

i miss him.

i miss him, though it is not a specific him i really miss. i miss the idea of him.

the idea of being in love... of having someone who cares, who loves me.
someone who wants to be there for me, thick or thin, weak or strong.
someone who really loves me, who cares what happens to me, even if its stupid.
someone who makes me laugh when i'm crying, makes me happy instead of sad.
the idea of being happy...

i miss the comfort, the simple joy of having someone i can lean into when i need strength.
the joy of having someone to look foward to.

i miss it all...

there is not a him i miss when i think of all this, but an idea of a new him who will care for me the way i deserve. the way i will care for him. and i have to keep thinking he is out there, not loose hope.

Why is it?

why is it that i am 25 years old, and pay my own rent, that i feel i must clean my house for my father's arrival after christmas? he doesn't pay the rent, and i don't know of a single thing in this apartmen that is his...but i am worried that he will be upset with me for having a messy apartment! i guess i've just always had to have his approval, and though i've lived on my own for the last 4 years, i still need his approval. *shrugs* that and i think maybe if i present a clean apartment, he will be more likely to help me cosign on a loan for a house if he thinks i will keep it in good condition. looks like i'm staying up all night tomorrow night!

San Diego

Ok so I'm ready to move back to SD. Thank Evie! Its only 6mts away now!!! *sigh* I'm so excited I can barely breathe. I want to go back so bad, I am so sick of Little Rock and its inhabitants. I have a lot to do to get ready, like save money and start getting rid of all my shit I don't need. But thats ok, because I have a great support system out here ... or at least a few people who are claiming to be my support system. I'm sure they will help me when the time comes!

I have also decided to take a vacation out there sometime in early 2008! That will be so much fun and I will get to see all my friends! *whoo hoo* I actually have the money to go, I will just need to find the time off and the place to stay, but as a friend of mine said "just mention you are coming and everyone will raise their hands" so hopefully that shouldn't be too hard. I found a rental car for really cheap, and airline tickets for eerily inexpensive...I need to talk to my boss about when I can go :D