another 330am

so here i sit again, pondering life against the elevator music. well.. i was, until i remembered i brought my own music today. i have tuned out Barry Manilow! anyway - i have made some decisions about life and such... my life specifically. though i could make decisions about other peoples lives, i think they'd just assume i'm crazy, and wouldn't follow them. stupid free will. anyway... i have decided to better take care of myself... both mentally and physically. over the last few years, my health has come first, and has left my mental state broken and shattered. the discovery of my illness, followed shortly by two surgeries, a tumultus relationship and an even worse breakup have come close to breaking me. i am finally realizing i can live with my illness, and be alone and be alright. its still hard to find the motivation some days to get going, especially the "sick" days. but as long as i take care ofmyself, i should be alright...*crosses fingers* i have not only been recently tending to my fragile emotional state, but also tending to my almost forgotten physical state. its amazing what you forget when you are on the verge of hospitalization! i've never been a very high maintenance girl, but i think maybe its time to get in a habit of being at least medium maintenance. i got my hair done the other day, and i felt like a new person - it had been so long. i am finally off the horrible medication that made me sick all the time, and helped me gain 30lbs...so i am in a position to get back my body after my 2 surgeris, and 2 years of not being able to exercise. i have decided to become a gym rat - and a nutrition watcher. it will help my health, and my overall well being, as a movie once said " exercise gives you endorphines. endorphines make you happy. happy people just don't shoot their husbands" - maybe thats why i wanted to shoot my ex boyfriend - not enough exercise! heheheh anyway. i'm going to be the person i was before, but only better. lets just hope i have the support to make these changes! wish me luck